Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
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And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
How times have changed.