Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
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When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
me 2 months after i graduated
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon