99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
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*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
forgive me baja for i have blast
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.