having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
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You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Being rude underwater is snarkeling