The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
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Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
😜
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
i wish i could marry a nap
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.