i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
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The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I love the honesty
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again