*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
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Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
There is wisdom there.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018