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If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
[canadians at you, canadianly]
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
getting corrected
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this