if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
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friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
😜
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what