[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
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It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
My new favorite headline
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
a god among men
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.