“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
You Might Also Like
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
This headline is a thing of beauty
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Hot Hot Hot
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.