Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
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I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men