I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
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I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
what
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
When your best mate counts as a desk too
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago