Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
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When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.