“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
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If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Any refunds available?…
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*