Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
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[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.