Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
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We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun