Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
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Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.