My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
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Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.