8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
You Might Also Like
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you