Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
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Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work