Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
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My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Worst perfume name ever.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password