The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
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me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less