Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
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ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
This a good idea
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
[eats all your cotton candy]
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Sharon I have some bad news
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?