So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
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Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I’m calling the cops.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
When news reporters do sports stories
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Breaking news:
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me