My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
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Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one