I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
You Might Also Like
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
My background check bounced.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao