don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
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kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
There is no “we” in pizza
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.