IT’S-A ME,
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IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Follow me for more life hacks.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women