Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
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Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Sorry. Not sorry
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card