the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
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Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Effort made
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*