As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
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My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Most fashion shows these days…
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party