10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
You Might Also Like
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”