Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
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my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Tremendous stuff
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
<- sleeps well with others
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that