Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
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ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me