Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
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Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’