#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
You Might Also Like
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
$4 #usedbooks
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.