Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
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[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
When you “pspspsp” too hard
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.