*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
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I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea