“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
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It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
they really do be looking like this
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
This January has 47 Mondays
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
A small tragedy.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.