*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
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When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)