In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
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*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses