Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
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We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.