“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
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i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.