German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
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I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping