Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
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Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Driving in Europe vs Canada
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Me when my alarm goes off
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.