my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
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Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
See..?
.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.