Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
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Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.