There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
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boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
That’s amazing.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.