You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
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The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god